02.03
After years of loafing around, I have hence come upon another crossroad. A crossroad that would mark the next stage of my completely useless life thus far. What lies ahead seems completely unknown and too bright for an emo creature like me to venture into. I have chosen to stay at my current emo spot, drawing circles. But I know this cannot last forever, and as the clock ticks away, time to consider my path draws shorter.
Similarly the crossroads I came across the last round was 3 years ago; was much more straight forward. To work or to study. That was all, I just left everything I had behind, and continued walking, alone. That time, I chose to study, since my hard work at school kind of paid off for me to delay NS by another 3 years, giving me a chance to further my studies before I decide not to after entering NS and feeling all too old for the books.
The crossroad I faced today has much complications, much much more than I could use words to describe. For people who know me, I am some sort of entrepreneur since I was 16, trying hard to expand my pathetically small pocket with my own hands. I once envied those who had everything they wanted with just the use of their mouth, and wondered why I never had one, but that is all in the past. Now here at the crossroads, I bought myself time with work to do, money to earn and save as well as to keep my mind from rusting itself when I enter NS in about 1/2 a year or so, speaking of which I have yet to receive my “updated” PES status due to medical implications my frail body has. People of my age has long been done with NS; I am probably the last of my batch.
Here I am, no longer alone in the crossroads, things have changed over time, like how I got this really cute girl but slowly distancing away from me, but similarly what lies ahead is completely unknown. I have 2 main roads: To study (and kill myself unless you can ever find a university degree that does not require a single ounce of mathematics of any form), or to start deciding what I enjoying doing in life so as to decide on the work I would do in future. Yes money is important, for survival as well, but life is too short to spend them all alone. I would prefer to find a job I enjoy doing even though it means that it won’t pay as high. Polytechnic life has ended for me, well almost, all that is left is a single presentation and then to collect my Diploma which I do not have any intention on attending the graduation ceremony anyway.
My current life is a loop, not endless, but just there to buy me thinking time. For the rest of the grown-ups, its called entering the work force, officially. But for me, it is time for me to decide what I want to do in life and how do I go about doing it. I am turning back to my acute social withdrawal, or in short, ひきこもり (Hikikomori) ways. It has been 39 days and counting since I last saw my busy dear, and probably even longer for anybody to realize this site actually updated. Infact, I resolved almost all issues with wordpress backend system for her as well as updated all the blogs hosted on this private server. All that is left for me to do everyday is simple and relatively easy: 1- Do what I am told (at work), 2- Play computer games, spam facebook games, 3- Eat, 4- Sleep, simple isn’t it?
I have since lost myself in my trail of thoughts.. Shall leave this unfished post dangling itself here for another month or 2.
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